


We Ain't Kids No More

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Awkward Conversations, Blood and Injury, Cave-In, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sweethearts, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Trapped, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8057377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: Poe knows there are a lot of things wrong with this situation, from the fact that he's been caved-in to the way he is slowly bleeding out. His companion being Kylo Ren, this monster with Ben's face, is just deeply, deeply unfair.





	We Ain't Kids No More

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was "Looks like we'll be trapped for a while..." Title from Adele.

Sometimes Poe really couldn’t believe his life.

Sometimes that was a good thing. Sometimes it was because he was flying loops in some fantastic ship or because he was running off pure adrenaline having just defied death.

Sometimes, though, sometimes it was because he was caved in with Kylo Ren on some kriffing planet in the Outer Rim, in the middle of a mission that had gone completely off-kilter.

Kylo Ren. Fuck this.

While Poe tried to feel around the collapsed rubble enclosing them, searching for a weakness, Ren said, “Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while.”

“Can’t you just use the Force or something? Get us out of here?”

“You know I can’t.”

Right. Luke had put a block in Ren’s mind, cut him off from accessing the Force. It had seemed a good idea at the time.

Well, maybe not a _good_ idea, exactly. But their best option, given the fact they were using Ren to try to get at the First Order.

Ren claimed he wanted to be better. He wanted to fix his mistakes.

Poe didn’t know what to believe. There was a part of him that looked at Ren’s pale face and just remembered _Ben._ The rest of him remembered the _Finalizer_ , Jakku, Takodana, and all the rest. That part of Poe was pretty sure it was all druk. It wasn’t up to him, though.

Stepping back from the wall of rock, Poe reluctantly admitted that there was no way he was going to get through this. He would have to trust that Finn and Rey would find him.

He winced and put his hand to his abdomen, slightly alarmed by how much blood had soaked through his shirt.

“Are you hurt?” Ren asked, a sliver of panic in his tone.

“Fine,” Poe muttered, pressing down in the hope it might slow the bleeding. “Got hit in our last scuffle.”

“That isn’t fine, stars, Poe, you’re dripping.”

Poe blinked down at his feet, noticed the drops of blood. Huh. Must be worse than he’d thought. No wonder it hurt so kriffing much.

Still. Being stuck in a cave with Kylo Ren was definitely more troubling than the gut wound, Poe was certain.

Ren had come up next to him, reaching towards him.

“Hey, hey,” Poe said warningly, moving back. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Don’t be an idiot. That needs to be looked at. Come here.”

Begrudgingly, Poe pulled up his shirt while Ren knelt down. His fingers were surprisingly gentle as he inspected Poe’s wound, moving over the skin.

But then, Poe could remember a time when Ren had always been gentle, his touch soft, until Poe had begged and begged and –

No. Best not to think of that.

“This looks bad,” Ren said, raising his eyes to Poe’s face.

“I promise it feels worse. But thanks for the useless information; I could have told you that myself.” Poe pulled his shirt back into place.

Ren rose to his full height again, shrugging out of his jacket and pressing it to Poe’s side. “We need our supplies. You’re losing too much blood.”

“Again, thanks for telling me what I already know. Unless you can shift these rocks I think we’re stuck here until Finn and Rey find us.”

“That’s not much of a plan.”

“I don’t see you coming up with a better one! Rey and Finn have never let me down.”

Poe knew Ren could hear what he left unspoken, the accusation lying heavy in the air between them.

_Unlike you._

Silence fell. Poe turned around again, towards the blocked path, not wanting to have to look at Ren any longer than he had to. It hurt, seeing Ben’s face on that… well, that person who wasn’t Ben.

Ben could never have –

Poe closed his eyes, swaying on his feet. He felt light-headed all of a sudden. He held his hand out, bracing himself on the wall of rock, and then said, “I think I need to sit down.”

He walked unsteadily to the opposite end of the cave where the wall was smoother, ignoring the way Ren’s gaze tracked him. He hated that Ren was seeing him falter, was seeing him weak. He sank down to the ground and leaned against the cool rock, eyes half-closed, still pressing Ren’s jacket tightly to his abdomen.

Dimly he could make out the outline of Ren as he moved, heard the shuffle of sound as Ren slid his back down beside Poe. Poe ignored him.

Only Ren seemed intent on not being ignored.

“Do you remember,” he said, “one time I stayed on Yavin Four, I think I must have been about ten? And you took your dad’s speeder so we could go out to the old rebel base, the temple. We spent all day pretending we were in the Alliance, fighting the Empire, winning medals like my father and my uncle. But your dad, he was furious when we got back, I hadn’t even known he could get angry like that. I thought he was going to twist your arm off.”

He nearly had. Kes had shouted until he’d been nearly hoarse and it wasn’t until later that Poe had realized how out of his mind he’d been with worry. “I remember,” Poe said because he could feel Ren staring at him. “I’m just… I don’t know why you think it matters. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change what you did.”

“Because what I did later,” Ren said, swallowing thickly, “doesn’t erase all that came before.”

“You erased it! You did, when you decided to throw your family away, throw _me_ away, so you could play evil overlords with kriffing Snoke. You did that.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“I don’t fucking care what happened because it doesn’t change anything. He lied to you, made you promises he never meant to keep, made you hear voices in your head…” Poe had heard the stories; he had heard the excuses. None of it mattered. “I don’t give a damn. You still chose him over us.”

“Poe--”

“How could you do it? After everything our families fought for, suffered for, and you just… Those kids, those… Luke’s kids…” Poe pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t know whole story of what had happened at Luke’s school. He knew enough. He knew more than he had ever wanted to.

Ren’s tone was heavy with hurt. If he had been anyone else Poe might have thought it was genuine guilt. “You don’t have to tell me what I’ve done. I know it. Believe me.”

“How can I? Believe you? For all I know you’ve been lying to me our entire lives; everything we ever did was a lie.”

“That’s not true, Poe.” Ren actually sounded horrified. As if he had the right. He didn’t have the right to be upset.

“But you _chose_ him, Snoke, and all his fear and hatred; you believed in that! You murdered--” Poe stopped. He couldn’t say it. Murdered innocents, murdered Han, tried to murder Finn and Rey.

_Tortured me. You tortured me. You went in my head and stole my memories, like it was nothing, like it was a game._

“I’m sorry--”

“Your apology is worthless! You think you can just come back, say you’re sorry, and everything will be fixed, everything will be okay because you’re _sorry._ It doesn’t work like that.”

“My grandfather came back to the light, he--”

Poe almost wanted to laugh, completely incredulous that Ren had the audacity to even say that out loud. “That’s your argument? Your grandfather? Your grandfather, still hated and feared across the galaxy though he’s been dead thirty years?”

“He redeemed himself,” Ren said in a whisper. “My uncle told me that. In the end, he made the right choice, and he redeemed himself.”

“Well, damn, isn’t that convenient? Now you talk about redemption, now that you’ve come crawling back and want us to welcome you. But not when you were shrouding yourself in black like Darth Vader’s heir, craving power and causing pain.”

For a moment Poe thought Ren was going to argue with him, was going to offer up excuses. _That’s not how it was, that’s not what I wanted, you don’t understand, blah blah blah._ But then he only said, “I was wrong. I know that now.”

“Oh, you know that _now._ Great.”

“I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I know you have no reason to give it to me and I know I don’t deserve it. I know there’s nothing I can do to regain your trust.”

“What are you here for then?”

Ren was quiet for a long time. Finally he said, “Because I wish I’d chosen differently.”

“You wish,” Poe muttered and leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes.

He didn’t know why he had let himself engage Ren. There wasn’t any point. Poe couldn’t go back and change anything, couldn’t do something differently, couldn’t try to save the boy he had loved once, help him, make him see that there had been another path, a better path.

Obviously Ben hadn’t cared enough for anything Poe could have done to matter. Sometimes Poe thought maybe he could have done more, could have loved him more, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to love someone better than he had loved Ben. He had been young and he had made mistakes but he had given Ben his whole heart and he didn’t know how to do anything more than that.

His head hurt and he didn’t know if it was because of Ren or the gut wound. He found himself lapsing into memory, thinking of that long ago day in the temple on Yavin 4, that perfect day. Until Kes had shouted, anyway. He thought of the first time he had kissed Ben, clumsy and awkward, mouths firmly closed. Ben had smelled like sweet fruit, Poe always remembered that.

He remembered the last time they said goodbye.

“Poe,” someone was saying, and Poe thought, _Ben, kriff, Ben, it’s been so long, I thought you were…_

And then he remembered. Not Ben. Kylo Ren.

“Poe, please. I need you to stay awake.”

“Why do you care?” Poe murmured. He cracked his eyes open.

Ren seemed much closer than he had been before, leaning into Poe’s space. “I always cared.”

Poe made a scoffing sound. “I remember how much you cared when you took me prisoner.”

“That wasn’t--” Ren bit his lip. It made him look like Ben. Poe hated it. “I understand if you hate me.”

Poe reached out and brushed his fingers through Ren’s hair, stroking it behind his ear. He didn’t know why he was doing it; he watched his hand with a mild sense of horror and yet he couldn’t stop himself.“I always loved your hair.”

Ren was sitting there frozen, eyes wide.

“Has it gotten nicer? Is that how they got you? Dark Side has better hair care products?”

“Poe, I think you’re getting worse,” Ren said, taking hold of Poe’s hand and pulling it away from his hair. He seemed vaguely reluctant to let go. “I think there’s something wrong with your head.”

“There’s always been something wrong with my head. I loved you, didn’t I?”

Ren inhaled sharply and then he stood so fast that Poe was almost dizzy just watching him. “I’ve got to get you out of here. I’ve got to… I can break through the block, I can--”

Poe’s head felt like it was spinning but he could still see sense enough to know that that was a terrible plan. “What good will that do? I know what Luke said; you’ll destroy your mind trying. It could kill you.”

“Yeah, it might kill me, but maybe I can get you out first. Then you’ll have what you want, won’t you? I’ll be dead and you’ll be free.”

“Frag, you’re dramatic. And don’t act like you know what I want; you have no idea what I want.”

Throwing Poe’s words right back at him, Ren said, “Don’t act like you wouldn’t throw a party if I died, you and Rey and Finn.”

“I don’t want you dead!”

Ren stared at him.

Poe almost couldn’t believe he had said that. Didn’t he want Ren dead?

_Ren is Ben and Ben is Ren and -_

No. That wasn’t true. Ben had died years ago, the moment he had gone with Snoke.

Ben was gone. There was only this stranger in his place, this monster with Ben’s face, a scar across his cheek. This man who lied, whom they were using as long as he was useful, because all his talk was nothing more than wind. He spoke of redemption, of regret, of guilt, of making better choices, but he had made the wrong choice over and over again, at every opportunity. Why should now be any different?

“Let me do one good thing for you,” Ren said, practically begging. “Let me help you, for once, let me do something good.”

“You think that will outweigh all the bad?”

“No, of course not. But I think it’s a good trade. My life for yours. You will do more good with your life than I could ever do with mine.”

“That’s not a good trade,” Poe said and began to struggle to his feet. His legs didn’t seem keen on cooperating and he had to push himself up using the wall for support. He closed his eyes against a wave of nausea and when he opened them again Ren was holding him upright.

“You shouldn’t be standing,” Ren said.

Poe couldn’t really argue. In fact he felt like he was about to topple over, his knees folding in protest as though his legs had become too weak to bear his own weight. He leaned against Ren as more a necessity rather than a choice and the sodden jacket fell to the ground between them.

“That’s a terrible trade,” he said, trying to make his brain focus. “You think I want to live like that? With you sacrificing yourself for me?”

“I didn’t think you’d care, honestly.”

“Fucking dramatic,” Poe said again. “Maybe you think dying’s easy, you think it’ll be a release from this mess you made. You do one good thing and go out in a blaze of glory and then you don’t have to live with the consequences of your actions. You wanna be like your grandfather, huh? You wanna redeem yourself with your death? Well, fuck that.”

Ren was quiet, his chest rising and falling against Poe’s cheek. “I just want you to live,” he said eventually. “I don’t care what happens to me.”

“I care,” Poe said and then thought about it, shocked at himself. What? Maybe it was the blood loss, it was the… His head hurt, and he couldn’t think, and nothing made any sense except that he did not want Ben - Ren - to die for him. He wanted to get out of here, both of them, and he wanted… He wanted…

He didn’t kriffing know. He just knew he needed Ren to not die.

_Ben, Ben, you still feel like Ben when you hold me._

Poe turned his face into Ren’s chest, mumbled, “I wish I didn’t care, fuck, I wish I didn’t. I really kriffing wish I could hate you.”

Ren stroked his hand over the back of Poe’s head hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure Poe would let him. “You should,” he said. “You should hate me, after I…” He stopped, fell silent.

“There are voices,” Ren said. “Can you hear that? Here!” he called. “We’re in here!”

Listening, hardly daring to hope, Poe thought maybe he could hear it, too. Had they been found? Was it Finn and Rey, or was it something far less good? He thought maybe he should tell Ren to shut up but it didn’t matter, if it wasn’t Finn and Rey, Poe was going to die either way.

“Here,” Ren said, moving them back as close to the far wall as they could get. He curled himself around Poe, protecting him, keeping his own back to the rubble in their way.

The rocks shifted in a rumbling crash and as the dust settled, Poe raised his eyes to see two figures scurry in.

Finn and Rey.

“Poe!” Finn was shouting. “Poe, are you okay? What have you done to him?”

The accusation was clearly leveled at Ren.

Rey got to him first, her brown eyes wide as she took in the splatters of blood, the dark stain spreading across Poe’s shirt. “Stars, Poe, what happened? Are you all right? Kriff, we need to get you out, we…” She pushed her small hands in between Ren and Poe, pressed them both to Poe’s stomach like she thought she could force the blood back inside him.

“We shouldn’t have left you with him,” Finn said, tight and angry, getting one arm around Poe like he wanted to drag him away from Ren and support him himself.

“I’ve got him,” Ren insisted, his grip on Poe strengthening, and Poe wavered between them.

“He’s bleeding out! You’ve done a pretty shitty job of taking care of him!”

“I’ve got him,” Ren repeated, a snarl in his voice, but frag, he sounded like Ben, he sounded like Ben when he was angry and posturing, trying to be bigger than he was.

“It’s okay,” Poe said. “It’s okay.” He didn’t even know who he was talking to. He touched Finn’s cheek, tried to be reassuring. “Just let him do this, okay, buddy?”

“I don’t trust him,” Finn said between gritted teeth, holding Poe’s gaze, talking like Ren wasn’t right there listening.

“You don’t have to. You just have to trust he won’t let anything happen to me.”

As Poe said the words, he realized he meant them. Kylo Ren had let Poe get beaten bloody, had torn into his mind until he screamed and screamed and screamed, and somehow Poe actually believed that Ren still cared about him, would do anything to keep him alive.

Poe didn’t know what that belief said about him. He suspected it wasn’t anything good.

Finn and Rey were both watching him, their obvious distress indicating to Poe more than anything else how truly awful he must look. When they moved aside, Rey pulling Finn by the hand, he knew it was for him and not for Ren. They were trusting Poe.

Poe tried to take a step and nearly fell over, Ren’s reflexes the only thing keeping him from landing on his face. Before Poe could comprehend what was happening, Ren had scooped him up in his arms, cradling Poe against his chest like he was a little kid.

“What the hell,” Poe said, his arms going around Ren’s neck more out of reflex than desire.

“It’ll be faster this way,” Ren said. “You’re still bleeding, Poe. You need…” He swallowed, his breath hitching. “Please let me do this.”

“He’s right,” Rey said, though the words seemed to almost physically pain her. “We need to get you help.”

“Don’t worry, Poe, we won’t tell anyone you got carried out like a bride.” Finn’s sharp grin held an edge of panic.

Poe half-heartedly made a rude gesture at him. He let his head loll against Ren, the weight of it seeming too heavy for his neck to keep upright. He was tired, so tired. If he was dying, maybe this was fitting. He would spend his last moments in Ben’s arms, like he had idly dreamed of when he was young and naïve and in love, before he had his heart broken for the first and the worst time.

“I’ve got you,” Ben said, so softly.

Poe could almost smell the fear wafting off Ben’s skin. He tightened his hand in Ben’s hair, held on.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” he said.

**_End_ **

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [here](http://serceleste.tumblr.com)!


End file.
